Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

barbara was highly relatable

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?