Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
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I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF