Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over


If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.


-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.


My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.


Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.


Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!


Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.


Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.


deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio


Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?