@LindaInDisguise

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

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@Parkerlawyer

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

@ClichedOut

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

@dorsalstream

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

@Bwomono

My mom has a habit of replying my texts with NOTED
Me:I love you
Mom: NOTED

Me:Rebels have come and abducted your husband
Mom: NOTED

@Adyaces

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

@weismanjake

People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we’ve lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week

@SoulYodeler

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

@Sassafrantz

Some guy just asked if I was Asian cuz he’s China get in my pants. Hope your day is as magical as mine.