Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
