Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

look scared

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine