Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Unimpressed
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
the zen of frog
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Happens to everyone.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.