Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
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pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage