Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
You Might Also Like
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.