Donkey I Shreked the Kids
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I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.