Donkey I Shreked the Kids
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Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.