Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
weddings should have a worst man
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.