Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
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thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.