I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
did it work
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.