Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*