Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.