Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

Try and stop me.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!