Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.