@Hormonella

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

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@simoncholland

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

@BadJordon

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

@BaneTheBOSS

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”

@sixfootcandy

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

@TheAlexNevil

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

@roxiqt

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

@bingowings14

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

@CoryBooker

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!