Christianity is the ultimate daddy issue.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!