Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor