Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
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they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.