Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
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My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
In space, no one can hear…
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…