Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok