Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
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nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I feel this so hard
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
