Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
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Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
Got ya covered
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.