Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
You Might Also Like
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face