KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
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Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Breaking news:
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.