Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
The Weeknd is back
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
🇺🇸🤭
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.