to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.