@BritXNic

Don’t argue with strangers on the Internet.

Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.

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@eddie_ferrero

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

@Smiilze

I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.

@skickwriter

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

@thatdutchperson

My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.

@thatUPSdude

How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.

@Sarcasmo718

The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.

@ilovepie84

“LET MY PEEPHOLE GO!”

-Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.

@BruceForce

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

@GingerHotDish

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.