pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
Don’t argue with strangers on the Internet.
Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.
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I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.
How to pick up a woman at Walmart.
Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.
“LET MY PEEPHOLE GO!”
-Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.