Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
