Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”