Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

With a text.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

back to work

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.