Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
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DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
New menu item
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.