Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.