Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

Ooops wrong house😂😜

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

m’lady

*puts my mental health in rice

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this