Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.