Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

I hate when that happens.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

My dog after a walk in the woods.

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.