Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

More like Kate Missington.

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

Meanwhile in Canada…

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.