don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
You Might Also Like
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.