@MilesKlee

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

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@HomeProbably

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

@Ideal_Victoria

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

@chrisdowning

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

@KattsDogma

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

@ElleOhHell

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

@Rollmaninoz

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

@AthenaMystique

Dear Google Maps,

Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.

Kthnxbye

@WineMummy

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

@SimplyEffortful

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

@koalaslament

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air