don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

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If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.


“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*


Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.


If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or


Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.


Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’


Dear Google Maps,

Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.



Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.


My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?


the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air