don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
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Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Perfection.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭