Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
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Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
giddy up Office Depot
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles