Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
You Might Also Like
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
mom had nothing to worry about
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.