Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
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Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired