Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
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90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
LA today:
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.