Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

This joke is 7 years old

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant