Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
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The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Deer are just ballerina dogs
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.