Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament