Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My what?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?