don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
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[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Yoga Matt
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them