don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
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If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.