don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
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Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,