don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
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2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
adam and eve had first world problems
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful