don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
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Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.