Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
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Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”