Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

How do I get a job writing these texts

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Windows

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*