Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
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Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
United Steaks of America
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.