Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown