Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Acronyms got me like WTF?

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.