Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn