Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
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A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
This makes total sense…
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I’m good, thanks.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money