Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
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Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it