Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Encore…
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™