Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
How it started How it’s going
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
me linking you to my twitter
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Like sleeping!
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
My retirement plan is to become a cat.