Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?