Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.