Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
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Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Left at a local drug store…
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.