Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
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I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
When you have to use a public restroom.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???