Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

Hard not to take this personally

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

Two types of dogs.