“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
You Might Also Like
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
The cashier just checked me out.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*