Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here