Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
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Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
50 shades of grey = my Liver
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky